houston, we have a crib.

this is quite a milestone, wouldn't you say? over the past couple months i've collected lots of things - baby clothes, bibs, toys, books, bottles. not in any mass quantities, but a nice starter collection of hand-me-downs and gifts. they've all been sitting in boxes, awaiting a home in my son's will-be nursery. and no, at 6 months pregnant - one has not even been started. not because i'm procrastinating - because a little company i like to call service douche bags has control over a room in my house and will not finish up their stupid job. this may be a good time to fill you in on the mold epidemic. but first, the crib.

though all the little baby nick-knacks i've collected so far will certainly help me with my growing baby, a crib is the first piece of useful "equipment", if you will. being that i needed a crib to get the nursery going, i made it my goal to acquire it before anything else. husband's sister was insisting that we find one on craigslist - that it was the "cheapest possible way", and our baby will probably only use it for 6 months - a year, so don't spend a ton, blah blah blah.

well, i humored her (and husband, since he always takes her advice to heart) and searched craigslist. the only criteria it had to have, was be white. that's it. nothing fancy. iiii found nothing. every single white crib was listed at $200 - $300. not to mention, i had to pick it up - and since my choices of moving vehicle were hybrid-whose-back-seat-doesn't-fold-down, and mazda-3-with-even-less-cabin-room, it wasn't gonna happen.

so then i found this lovely white crib at babies r us. brand new, as in no other rugrats have gnawed on the railings. as in, meeting all current safety standards. it transforms into a toddler bed, and can morph all the way into a double-sized kid's bed. and, the best part of all, it was only $160-some! even with tax & shipping included, it was only $200 - and there was no personal picking up, shipping, moving to be done on my part. so naturally, i had to have it.

so did every other pregnant mom to be. i first had to battle husband to let me order it, because he was stressed about the costs of the mold and didn't want to spend more. but as i told him, baby is coming....we need a crib, with or without mold, and $200 is going to leave one of our accounts between now and january. might as well be now in case it takes a decade to ship and we have time to get a back up. so, he scoured reviews on the crib (he researches every single purchase to death, and really, i'm not complaining - i take comfort in that he's making sure we make safe & valuable purchases). once he was satisfied - he gave me the okay. i tried to order it at work that day, the website crashed, so i decided to wait until i was home to try again. i get home, and it was out of stock.

i was shocked that it sold out so quickly. this "online only" item was suddenly saying "not available online". hmmm. so i signed up to be emailed when it was back in stock, and waited. a few days later it was in, i ordered it, received my confirmation, the end. right? no. 2 days later i received another email saying they canceled my order. i was confused as to why this happened, so i called. she told me it's their policy for when things run out of stock. ever hear of back ordering?? so she advises me to sign up for an email again, i do - and what do you know, it's back in stock at 6am the very next day. you couldn't back order it for 12 hours?! GAH! soo i ordered it again, by some miracle it shipped the next day, and yesterday....the 60 pound box arrived.

YAY! quite a hassle. and, as of the moment it's only a step in the right direction. considering even if i squatted this baby out today and had matt put the thing together, there's still no mattress or box spring. but, it is a start! and it frees up a $200 item from the massive list of things i still need on my registry.

so, the mold epidemic.

august 29th, a friday - i decided to start clearing out the closet of what would be my baby's room. i was, 4 months pregnant at the time, and decided it was high time i get started on a nursery. my house, unfortunately, has very little storage - so all of our seasonal things, wedding gifts, and the few memory-like things we allowed ourselves to keep, resides within our closets. being that goop needs use of his closet, my goal was to consolidate down to the one in the guest room. so. i got to work, and i figured one of the first things i should do is free up space in the guest room closet for the incoming junk. only....upon moving the first box, i found mold. and that was only the start of it.

i quickly left the room, washed my hands, told husband, and he came home from work immediately. we called our insurance company & some plumbers, and the chaos that has become my life for the last month and a half, began. we have had so many visits from insurance adjusters, plumbers, contractors - ugh. and they are taking their sweet time getting the room fixed. the good news is, the mold has since been removed. the bad news is, my guest room is missing important things like - carpet, and drywall. we have been waiting for WEEKS for the work to be completed, and still....it sits.

i started making nasty calls last week, using my 6 months of pregnancy as a weapon. usually that either earns me some sympathy or fear, and either one tends to at least get things moving a little. we received a call yesterday that the contractors would be coming out on thursday. only, this morning, husband was on his way to work and they called to say they were on their way to our house. um, it's tuesday?

soo, now they are coming tomorrow, apparently - but there have been many occasions where they say such things and never show. and we never heard anything about our carpet being ordered, or being ready to install anytime soon. so, really....i have no idea at all, when this room will be complete. and you may be wondering, where did the contents of this mold room go during the construction? oh yes. they are all in my baby's room. taking up so much space, it's difficult to even set foot in there. so my attempts at putting a nursery together were pushed back about 10 steps, and sits there in non-production land.

and my new, un-assembled crib, will probably sit in it's box in the dining room for another month, at which time nursery will be husband's responsibility. because, i will be a house.

yes, i'm mildly insane.

i'm about to be insanely busy at work today. ugh. i'm taking a pre-break, before i get my hands dirty...because, i really need to gear up for the suck my day is about to become. i'd explain, but it wouldn't make any sense. just....it sucks.

i had a dream about my baby last night. only, he wasn't my baby....but he was. that tends to be the theme of my baby dreams. he belongs to someone else, yet when i look at him i just know he's mine. in the dream i woke up one morning to find that husband had left the front door open all night long. i was afraid to do anything around the house, so i asked him to check every room for anything suspicious. he checked everything, and i said "don't forget about the basement". ps - my house doesn't have a basement.

so he went down into this imaginary basement, came back upstairs with an infant in his arms and said "this little guy has been down there for 4 days!". how he knew that? no idea. so he handed me the baby...and for some reason i was suddenly topless. as soon as he handed me the baby, it tried nursing on me...only i was still pregnant, and had nothing to give. but i held him and let him anyway because i figured it was comforting him. strange. so i started to panic and told husband to hurry up and buy a car seat so we could go buy him some formula and then find out who his parents are (i don't really understand why he couldn't just go buy some formula, rather than buy the car seat first so we could all go...).

as the dream progressed i was taking this baby with me everywhere and totally falling in love with him. however, when i told people about him they looked at me like i was crazy. i couldn't figure it out. at one point i was talking with my friend about the baby, and showing her pictures of him. she looked up at me and said, "these pictures are blank, what are you talking about?". so then i started feeling crazy, and she started telling me how it was a manifestation of my own mind to cope with something....i have no idea what. in my dream she sounded like an expert, though. so then i came around eventually, the baby disappeared, and i started missing him like crazy and wishing it was time for my baby to arrive.

yes, i suspect drugs as well.

i need to get to that hell of a job i have...but i just wanted to document my smile of the day, because i'm amazed that it's 8:26am and i've already had my heart warmed :)

smile of the day:
yesterday i helped out one of the new girls - hmm, let's call her G. i have been known to be annoyed by a few of her actions, but for the most part i like her. she is going to take over a few of my jobs while i'm on maternity leave (or, that's what they think i'm doing for now, anyway), so i've been training her. in the middle of this she asked me for a post-it note, and i told her i was out. office supplies are pretty scarce around here. so this morning, she comes in and said "hey...i just wanted to give you this since i know you're out of post-its, i made it for you". she handed me a stack of paper that she cut down to nearly-post-it size & stapled them together at the top. i couldn't believe how sweet that was!

mommyhood brainstorming, take 1.

i love that i have a son. not...in a "i'm glad he's not a daughter" way. in really cool, amazing, "holy crap i have a child" way.

it's very easy to get caught up in the chaos of pregnancy. i mean, really. in a very short span of time your body goes from yours, operating in generally the same way it always has, predictable - and then it becomes an incubator of sorts...and just sorta-kinda lets you use it from time to time. any given number of symptoms are handed over - some worse than others, intensities flipping around, new ones cropping up. you learn what it feels like to never have good skin, and always have limp hair, and always have pain in your back, and always get heartburn from your ex-favorite foods, and always be spilling out of your bra.....(i'll stop there).

and of course there's the hormones. and the inability to deal with stress. and that whole huge thing about OMGIHAVEABABY, and i need to put a nursery together, and i need money for these things. it's a fast-paced, clock is ticking, high-strung experience. one that i couldn't have even imagined/planned for/prepared for if i tried. of course, i think my situation was made extra sucky by the mold issue that refuses to go away, and all of the other lovely costly things that crept up at the same time. so yes, it is very easy to get sucked into the tornado of, wow everything suddenly blows. it's hard to outwardly show the excitement you feel for the baby, when your mind is pulled in 20 different directions. and/or, you feel like ass.

however. i think, at least in my work place, i'm a rare bird. that sort of goes without saying because out of the 5 women in the entire company, only 1 other has been pregnant & given birth during their time here. my experience has only her's to compare with. but also, her ideas about pregnancy, babies, motherhood, parenting...the works, are all so very different. (not to start a debate or to sound all yay-yay to one side about anything, but...) she very actively promotes not breastfeeding. i've heard her preach this to every pregnant woman she comes across, including me. "it's so much easier to let your husband make the formula for you", "your boobs don't get as mangled", "you don't have to worry about a kid hanging all over you all the time". interesting. then she goes on about how the day her child came home it went straight to the crib and wasn't allowed to sleep anywhere else. she needed a full night's sleep, after all! i don't....even want to get into some of the other things, because they deal with punishment, and i really just have to zip my lips and turn my head when she goes on and on about it & i couldn't disagree more (and, i don't want to go there, to each their own really). but do you see the common denominator in those examples? selfishness. not one of those things were chosen for the better of her child, but they made that whole pesky mommy thing a little easier for her.

i'm not saying you better breastfeed your kid, and co-sleep, or park a bassinet next to your bed, or anything, really. it's just hearing her reasoning....it's annoying. she didn't make her choices for her child, she made them for her. and why? well, i have my theories. because the truth is - i think she's a good mom, and i think she did really want her baby. but she has been employed here longer than i could drive a car. heck, long before my first day of high school (which was in 98). she has seen this company grow quite a bit in that time, and she cherishes it. i get that, that's great. but i had a conversation with her husband, even...who said he hates how attached she is to this place. i believe his words were, "if the place were on fire, she'd still run into the building". she made her choices based on the fact that she was coming back to work (which, by the way, she came back 3 weeks after giving birth! because, she couldn't stay away). now...whether she made them because this place is more important to her than parenthood, or because she was upset about it and preparing herself for the heartache of leaving her child with a day care, i don't know. though, really, why not stay out all 8 weeks if that's the case?

i'm really not trying to crucify her or anything. her situation doesn't bother me the way it may seem. i think, with my due date fast approaching and my baby kicking with more distinct movements, i'm just thinking about my impending motherhood. the way things will be with me and my baby, and how i feel about the situation in comparison. i could never do what she's doing. i get that some people need the money and so working & day care is their only option. but i just couldn't hand my child over to a bunch of strangers 40+ hours a week (because she is ALWAYS here, even on days off, even when she's not asked to be). i don't have even have my child yet, but i'm constantly wishing i could be at home instead so i can pull up my shirt and watch my belly move around with the movement of his limbs. i wish i could just lay there and talk to him and poke at him while he squirms. we do this all the time, and i am thankful for the time i have - but i would just love to do it all day long. bond with my baby, prepare for his arrival....soak up the magnitude of the miracle he is. and that's the thing about working through pregnancy (which, i realize just about everyone does). not only do you have to suffer through the suck...like 11 weeks of nausea, and never ending exhaustion while trying to do your work correctly. but you don't get the time to soak up every last drop of growing your baby. i wish life was a little easier to juggle in that way. i don't want to quit my job and do nothing for the sake of being a bum. i want to kick back and soak up the very few miracles we are given in our lifetimes. and that's where i think my co-worker and i differ. this job is not simply an income for her - it IS her life. whereas mine, is currently growing in my uterus and i'm just waiting this job out until he makes his appearance.

even with all that being said, i still have insecurities. everyone in my life has done so much more with their lives (at least, hmm, 75% of them anyway) in terms of education and careers. i have done nothing. and though my heart is totally okay with this, sometimes my mind is not. i know exactly why things turned out this way. because i wanted them to. because all i wanted was babies - my babies. i couldn't settle on a profession that would give me the freedom i wanted in order to give my all to being a mom. so i didn't do anything. not even as a filler until i reached mommyhood. it just felt like a waste of time.

i think, that idea really just agitates me for now....and possibly will for the next 3 months, but will disappear in an instant. because i know, my time is coming. my time to shine is just around the corner, and my purpose for this life is about to unfold. but working 40 hours, doing things that don't make a difference, surrounded by people who barely share a shred of the same ideals as i have - is hard to do. it makes me wish that i had done something in the past so i could at least fill these next 3 months in limbo with something i care about.

for now, i take every moment i can to watch my belly poke out & jiggle with my son's movements. i talk to him every chance i get. i set my hand on my belly and laugh when he kicks it. i daydream about holding him in my arms, and seeing his smile, and hearing his laugh. and really...i just couldn't be happier about having a son.

the ugly side of baby growing.

i love, love, love this little being growing like a weed inside of me. i wished, hoped, prayed & begged for him, and the day i found out he existed was one of the best & most memorable of my entire life. despite 11 weeks of nausea and an ever-growing list of physical ickyness, it's worth it. and i'll probably do it a couple more times. i don't ever want to seem ungrateful for this miracle-o-mine...but pregnancy is no picnic. i think my beef is more with the effects of progesterone (i would say that would make a great name for a super villain but i know every mom with hormone irregularities would want to punch me so i won't say that). that being said...

10(ish) selfish reasons reasons why i'm glad pregnancy doesn't last forever. in no particular order.

-boobs of epic proportions. my cute, perky c-cup beauties have swollen to such a ridiculous size that i have officially outgrown every single bra (push up, sport, ugly comfies, ALL) that i own. in fact, i sometimes look down and embarrassingly realize my titties are overspilling and looking all kinds of white-trashy. the other night husband took a look at them in my closest-to-fitting bra and without prompting said, "how would you like it if i bought you some new bras this week?". if he sees a problem, that's saying something!

-never-healing, relentless acne. ohh yes. i haven't had clear skin in about 5 months, and that goes for my entire body. it's gross, and so unflattering...but i'll say it. bacne. i have bacne. sob.

-the no soft cheese rule. do you know what i love consuming in mass quantities? bleu cheese. on pizza...crumbles on salads...chicken wings. we sort of have a sick love affair. i sometimes cheat on it with feta (shhhh), and occasionally gorgonzola (don't tell feta). and do you know what? the people who went to medical school say it can give my fetus listeriosis. siiigh. i haven't had a single crumble since may. but come january? my place, soft cheese party, be there.

-new york & company coupon tauntings. my favoritest of favorite stores sends me all kinds of dealy emails and coupons to cash in on lovely pieces of fashion. pre-baby i was going to the mall bi-weekly to stock up on everything they had to offer...and i'm not even sure i will fit in all my previous finds post-baby. not to mention, my clothing shopping desires are not being fufilled. maternity clothes just don't have the same thrill. i suppose it's a good transition to stay-at-home-mommyhood. gotta squash the shopping bug now.

-no glass of wine after a suck day at work. my job was such a lovely place to be, until pregnancy. it decided to suck just in time for my mood swings and exhaustion. and can i come home to a lovely glass of wine after being annoyed all day? nope. boo :(

-the sleeps. i don't think i even have to mention the nausea, because helloooo the nausea. it's probably the number one known fact of pregnancy. been there, done that, would love to forget about it. the exhaustion on the other hand? non-stop. 3-hour naps began at as little as 4 weeks, and 20 weeks later i'm still taking them. when i'm not working 12 hour days, that is. staying awake through those work days is nearly impossible.

-feeling like a total whale. and knowing it's only going to get a lot worse in the next few months.

-mood swing fiesta. i have this funny (and too long for my current attention span) story about a night when i decided 10pm was a perfect time to bake an apple pie. when my crust wasn't turning out as perfect as MIL's does without fail, i threw my arms in the air, along with a few handfuls of flour, and declared that i quit apple pie. and then there's the 4,736 times (roughly) i've burst into tears at sarah mclaughlin's SPCA commercial, or just....because i wanted to. no control over your own emotions, awesome.

-pregnancy brain. i can't concentrate on work, i mess up the simplest tasks, and i forget things constantly. like how to count to 10.


and reasons why it's amazing:

-there's an actual human being learning how to be human inside of me!
-his kicks are the coolest, sweetest things i have ever experienced.
-seeing him at sonograms is the most in amazing thing in the entire world.
-i never feel alone, because i know baby is everywhere with me.
-the men at work trip all over themselves to hold doors and carry things for me.
-i can put on a little weight and people don't judge me.
-i get to be a mommy in 4(ish)months! which is the best thing ever, to me.
-seeing husband get excited about having a son is so heartwarming.
-there's a little person made of half me and half husband!
-i have years of loving another wonderful person ahead of me.

and of course, those are the only things that matter anyway. so all of my wah-wah-ing is pointless and doesn't matter :)

in the begining.

so, clay aiken is gay. shocking. really though, who didn't see that coming? i'm mostly interested to see what my extremely conservative grandparents (who vote republican solely because they are against abortion and they are die-hard catholics*) have to say about it. why on earth does my grandma have squat to do with it? well, my grandma is quite young to be a grandma of four 20-somethings, in addition to 3 pre-teens, and 5 (about to be 6) great-grandchildren. she is "with it" in terms of modern media - and for some reason, she has a special love for mr. aiken. it's a little sick. i'm just curious to see if she will not care, or suddenly start hating him because of her views.

*i am in no way siding in either direction politically here, i just think it's pretty gay (ha) to vote for someone based on one single issue, without looking into all the facts.

really though, i don't care about clay aiken. i just wanted someone 5 years from now to say "what was the very first sentence you ever wrote on your blog?" and i could say something totally unexpected and random like "so, clay aiken is gay". mission accomplished.

soo onto reality then. same old stuff, brand new day. sometimes i wonder what my days would be like had i taken a different route for myself. i'm one of those....stubborn, play by the rules types (only i'm the one enforcing the rules), and i've unsurprisingly ended up exactly where i expected i would at 24. i decided about 20 years ago that my goal in life was to marry well and squat out a bunch of babies and live by the old barefoot and pregnant stereotype that our kind protests. i'm old fashioned in this way, and i'm not sure if that's a good thing just yet. a few weeks ago husband & i were watching 30 minute meals, and i remembered hearing recently that rachel ray was about to hit the ol' four-zero. so i randomly blurted out, "she's almost 40, where are her babies?? she better hurry up!". it was my husband who said, "what, just because she's a woman means she's supposed to have babies?". hearing that, from a man no less, made me think...hmm....why does my mind work that way? why did i assume she wanted them? the truth is...i don't know.

so instead of going away to college for 4 years, and instead of spending my early 20's at parties and experimenting with every existing form of alcohol - i was simply on the hunt for my always & forever. i found him fairly easily, moved in with him, married him, and now i'm carrying his son. exactly what i expected. but what if i let myself step out of line even a little? would i be spending my mornings behind a boring desk eating the same bagel, peanut butter, banana & OJ? or would i be somewhere more interesting, like NYC, among celebrities and intelligent innovative people? who knows. i don't even know if i would prefer that. what i do know is....i'm sick of the brainless crap i hear around my workplace and keeping things to myself for the sake of my job really blows.

i'm just a little bitter this morning. i'm sick of my job, and got even less sleep than normal last night. my unborn son, who's kicks have until now been adorable and sweet, finally found a few areas where he can cause some damage. he woke me out of a dead sleep multiple times last night while he punched away at them. i have no idea what he found in there, but it must have been fun. the boy tap danced on it for hours.

my eyes are drooping.