last night husband was reading from his expectant fathers book, and i told him to read to me & the baby too so we could learn. he actually really enjoys doing this, but last night he hit a couple snags in the content. he is, shall we say - extremely squeamish, about the simplest things. and i found complete hilarity in his reactions.
husband (reading about things to pack for the hospital): "don't forget a box of extra absorbent maxi p...ooooookay".
me: laughing hysterically.
husband (leans over to my belly): "dude, be glad you're not a chick".
later on in the pages, i was reading ahead as he was going along and i noticed he was about to stumble on a bit about the umbilical cord stump. since he has little to zero experience with newborns i had a feeling he'd be clueless about this...and i knew he'd react to it when he got there. as expected...
husband: "....the umbilical cord stump....WHAT! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! A STUMP?!!?!"
cue me laughing hysterically again. i used this opportunity to ask him if he planned on cutting the cord (knowing full well what his answer would be) and without a second's hesitation he shouted NO!!!!!!!
as he read along, if he stumbled over something he didn't want to know he'd kind of la-la-la for a second, as if doing so would make him un-read what he just saw? oh that husband of mine. he sure is good for a laugh, though. one of the suggested things to pack was a birthday cake & a bottle of champagne to celebrate after the birth. he thought this was hilarious. through laughs he was reciting situations like, "hang on hunny! just keep breathing i gotta bake this cake before we leave for the hospital!". he also imagined packing up all the ingredients as an alternative & asking the hospital if he could use one of their ovens while i "finished up".
if nothing else, he will keep me laughing through all of this :)
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
2/3rds there.
i was just thinking...how nice it is, that i can get up in the morning and cruise through the internet, perfectly content with a few hunger pangs...and not fear TEHBARF. for a while there, i thought i'd never be able to enjoy a quiet morning of educating myself on everything pointless with a hot cup of whatever-i-chose-that-morning. i'd be okay for a second, and then every passing moment would bring me closer to puke-land. until eventually, i'd be rocking back and forth in front of the toilet wishing it would just happen already so i could get on with my day. it made me sad, because i love mornings. i love being up before the sunrise, experiencing the chill in the air, and watching the world wake up. i love seeing the sun slowly filter itself over everything and into my window. but pregnancy was having none of that. for the first 17 weeks*, anyway. i was no longer a morning person.
*to be completely accurate, nausea didn't start until i was 6 weeks, and ended at 17 weeks...so it was really about 11 weeks of hell.
the worst part, was knowing if i didn't eat something bland and dry i would surely start on my journey towards puking. but eating anything, let alone something that tasted like cardboard and stuck to my already dry mouth, was just....not appealing. eventually i learned which cereals were easiest to get down, and how fast i needed to take my anti-nausea meds, and i'd function. but even so, i was never "quite right". i don't know why i even expected to feel "normal" - my body was, after all, gearing up to grow a human. not an easy feat.
but then the 2nd trimester hit, and it was a whole other ball game! this is when i learned to enjoy pregnancy. don't get me wrong. it still....sucks, in general - just, the ever-growing list of things that don't work the way they used to, and they're all in the less favorable sense. but, i could spend my mornings normally - without traveling with a baggie of dry cereal, without looking pale & green (not saying i look(ed) good, but certainly better than near-death), and without plotting where the nearest toilet was. i started to feel my baby move, and i saw his face on a sonogram. i found out that he was a boy. my belly started looking cute, and comments started rolling in. and the realization that, holy crap, there really is something in there, MY baby, and he's ALIVE! INSIDE ME!! My excitement finally came bursting through (and i say it like that, because i felt so utterly miserable during trimester #1 that it was hard to show anything other than, "don't get too close i could barf on you").
and so....here we are. 3 days left of this glorious trimester, about to embark on the scary 3rd. the one where aches & pains hit their peak, doctors visits increase, and the pressure to prepare kicks in. i am a little scared for this phase - excited, but a little scared. i'm hoping, that i still have a little while of sleeping well - because until now (knock on wood) that hasn't been a problem for me. and the discomfort has been slowly setting in for the past couple weeks, so i think i've been slowly preparing for that. aaand my nursery hasn't even been started, but i can't feel badly about that since it's kind of out of my control. but ya know, this means i'm getting closer and closer to meeting my little man...and after this point, his chances of thriving should he be born early for whatever reason, just continue to increase. so that, is reassuring.
all of this is worth it. every stage, every moment. every time i feel him kick and flip i remember why i'm having to go through all of these less than favorable things. because the reward, is worth so much more.
*to be completely accurate, nausea didn't start until i was 6 weeks, and ended at 17 weeks...so it was really about 11 weeks of hell.
the worst part, was knowing if i didn't eat something bland and dry i would surely start on my journey towards puking. but eating anything, let alone something that tasted like cardboard and stuck to my already dry mouth, was just....not appealing. eventually i learned which cereals were easiest to get down, and how fast i needed to take my anti-nausea meds, and i'd function. but even so, i was never "quite right". i don't know why i even expected to feel "normal" - my body was, after all, gearing up to grow a human. not an easy feat.
but then the 2nd trimester hit, and it was a whole other ball game! this is when i learned to enjoy pregnancy. don't get me wrong. it still....sucks, in general - just, the ever-growing list of things that don't work the way they used to, and they're all in the less favorable sense. but, i could spend my mornings normally - without traveling with a baggie of dry cereal, without looking pale & green (not saying i look(ed) good, but certainly better than near-death), and without plotting where the nearest toilet was. i started to feel my baby move, and i saw his face on a sonogram. i found out that he was a boy. my belly started looking cute, and comments started rolling in. and the realization that, holy crap, there really is something in there, MY baby, and he's ALIVE! INSIDE ME!! My excitement finally came bursting through (and i say it like that, because i felt so utterly miserable during trimester #1 that it was hard to show anything other than, "don't get too close i could barf on you").
and so....here we are. 3 days left of this glorious trimester, about to embark on the scary 3rd. the one where aches & pains hit their peak, doctors visits increase, and the pressure to prepare kicks in. i am a little scared for this phase - excited, but a little scared. i'm hoping, that i still have a little while of sleeping well - because until now (knock on wood) that hasn't been a problem for me. and the discomfort has been slowly setting in for the past couple weeks, so i think i've been slowly preparing for that. aaand my nursery hasn't even been started, but i can't feel badly about that since it's kind of out of my control. but ya know, this means i'm getting closer and closer to meeting my little man...and after this point, his chances of thriving should he be born early for whatever reason, just continue to increase. so that, is reassuring.
all of this is worth it. every stage, every moment. every time i feel him kick and flip i remember why i'm having to go through all of these less than favorable things. because the reward, is worth so much more.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
ARE you kidding me.
here's a little diddy about the constant outpouring of cash from my home.
i told you all about the mold room, correct? that's going to be about $1,000 out of pocket when they finish their stupid work. the same time the mold construction started, we had to get our gutters cleaned. charlotte suddenly decided rain was cool and started pouring it over our over-stuffed gutters & rolling off the side of our house. not cool. within a few days, the windshield on my car grew a massive crack. too big to be filled. north carolina, in their total awesomeness, does not cover glass in their insurance policies. sweet. i also i had to buy a crib for the fetus i'm growing.
let's recap.
mold room - $1,000
gutters - $125
windshield - $255
crib - $200
total wallet raping - $1580
sweet right? well guess what. yesterday within 10 seconds of my commute on the thruway, a massive rock shot out of.....i don't know, someone throwing massive rocks from a bridge? flying out from a dump truck? all plausible - but it looked to me like it came straight down from heaven like a mini meteor with my car's name on it. SMACK in the middle of my windshield. where there is now, a lovely crater, in my 4 week old windshield.
what, the, hell, murphy's law. i'm about sick of you.
i told you all about the mold room, correct? that's going to be about $1,000 out of pocket when they finish their stupid work. the same time the mold construction started, we had to get our gutters cleaned. charlotte suddenly decided rain was cool and started pouring it over our over-stuffed gutters & rolling off the side of our house. not cool. within a few days, the windshield on my car grew a massive crack. too big to be filled. north carolina, in their total awesomeness, does not cover glass in their insurance policies. sweet. i also i had to buy a crib for the fetus i'm growing.
let's recap.
mold room - $1,000
gutters - $125
windshield - $255
crib - $200
total wallet raping - $1580
sweet right? well guess what. yesterday within 10 seconds of my commute on the thruway, a massive rock shot out of.....i don't know, someone throwing massive rocks from a bridge? flying out from a dump truck? all plausible - but it looked to me like it came straight down from heaven like a mini meteor with my car's name on it. SMACK in the middle of my windshield. where there is now, a lovely crater, in my 4 week old windshield.
what, the, hell, murphy's law. i'm about sick of you.
Monday, October 20, 2008
weekend love.
as usual, i have work to do and i'm slacking like a super star. instead of being productive, i'm sipping some pepsi (making goop get a little work out in the depths of my belly), jamming to peppy ghetto songs, aaand contemplating updating you on my fantastic weekend.
ps, i'm pretty close to choosing a prettylicious purple purse, but humor me anyway and tell me which one you think is worth your hard earned monies. there was this gorgeous, so-purple-i-could-eat-it dooney at macy's, but for $345 - uh, no.
friday night husband & i went out with some friends from work. i was all excited that i had an actual experience to write about, and now that i'm thinking of it...i have nothing to say. it was really a simple night. we went to a wine bar...which, was pretty cool actually. its a very free-for-all place, where tables and couches & loungey areas are set up in random order, and you just kinda come in and claim an area. all through the whole place there are endless shelves of wine, an enormous beer cooler (all individual bottles), and other random coolers with safe-for-preggo's drinks, like...uh, water. you just kinda walk around til something jumps out at you (i went for the water), bring it up to the counter to pay for it, and return to your little corner. husband was making trips to the beer cooler and sampling bottles of random brews. the other guys joined him later in the night, but for the most part they'd just pick up a glass and share bottles of wine.
it was a pretty cool night. there wasn't much room for potential friendship building with G. for one, because she left within 30 minutes of us getting there...i'm not really sure why. that, and i wasn't seated anywhere near her. but, it was still a lot of fun. it was great to get out of the house for once, and cool seeing my co-workers in a different setting. conversation was never-ending, usually touching on hot topics (and thank goodness the guys all seemed to agree on things) and usually coming back to my pregnancy in some way shape or form.
the only "sticky" part, was when my co-worker's wife asked me who i was voting for. i'm pretty sure it was a total side convo, because the boys were talking (pretty intensely) about alternative energy and didn't really hear her ask me. i would have opened up had it really just been me speaking to her & no one else...however, i know her husband is very hardcore one-sided. i was afraid that if i didn't answer "correctly", he'd either suddenly hear & protest my answer, or she'd tell him later and...well, no thanks. i just don't like getting involved in politics. instead i said i was still unsure, and it seemed like a good response. she even agreed that it was a tough decision this year. however, her next sentence included something about how in 2 years she will be able to vote (both she & her husband, my co-worker, are natives of venezuela and i'm pretty sure she's only been here as long as they've been married, which is about 2 years). she said something about being proud to do her civic duty, and then i felt a little guilty that i wasn't tripping over myself with opinions.
overall though? a really great night. we even discussed future plans - including a baby shower/ football party combo, dinner out, and a day trip to the mountains (pregnant me probably having to skip the latter). but, baby certainly made me pay for being awake after 11pm.
saturday morning was the true start of chilly fall. it was glorious! we decided to celebrate the start of the chilly weather with our favorite cold morning breakfast tradition. warm drinks, asiago cheese bagels, and snuggly conversation by the fire at panera's. we did just that, with hot chocolate being the warm drink of choice. once our bellies were sufficiently full, i did a bit of maternity clothes shopping at target before heading home. most of the day was filled with naps and relaxing, but we had a date night planned. none of the actual date had been chosen, just simply that...we needed a weekend full of relaxation after our tough week. we settled on going somewhere close to target, since the D cup bra i bought earlier that day was STILL not enough to hold my preggo tatas (yes, they have ballooned THAT much) and i needed to return it.
dinner ended up being olive garden, and OH yum. i don't know why, but with a very round belly touching the table our waitress looked directly at me & tried to upsell us on "yummy fruity wine!", as she put it. i, once again, went with water. we shared 2 rounds of salad (because mmm this baby LOVES salad and you don't get much better than the OG), and decided to order something "different" than our usual. i went with the chicken carbonara - it was delish!
after dinner, we returned my bra and husband offered to buy me a new pair of fuzzy pj pants. it was completely random of him, but he said he wanted me to be comfortable. i wasn't protesting! i got a really cute grey pair with black polka dots. they are SO comfy, mmm i can't wait to get this day over with and put them on. we finished off our date with a trip to starbucks. hellooo decaf caramel macchiato. i have always been obsessed with the regular caffeinated version, but stupid me thought they were off limits until bff informed me that decaf espresso was, in fact, a real thing. oooh, heaven. husband just went with straight up coffee, and we split a slice of pumpkin loaf for dessert. we sat chatting for a while, and i noticed that every other patron was 50+. it was just strange...usually starbucks attracts such a different crowd. is that changing? and if so, purposely or not? interesting.
sunday was really...a lazy day. we did nothing. no, lies. we went to kohl's...where i found a fitting bra, and 2 more maternity shirts. husband found a really nice dress shirt & tie. then we attempted to get a new phone for moi, and had a run-in with the most SUCK salesperson i've ever met. so that was a no-go. the rest of the day, i went through all of our paperwork & filed absolutely everything. it took so long, all i had time for was dinner & dh before it was bedtime. but, at least it will be a lot easier to keep the paperwork organized from here on out.
so, speaking of organization...i should really...do work now. i have to figure out if i'm training G some more, or if she's a lost cause (in the work sense). that's, a whole other issue for another day. basically she's not really excelling here, and i'm getting stuck in the middle considering my job is one she's supposed to be learning...at the same time i'm semi-jump starting a could-be friendship. it's sticky. and too much thought for a monday.
ps, i'm pretty close to choosing a prettylicious purple purse, but humor me anyway and tell me which one you think is worth your hard earned monies. there was this gorgeous, so-purple-i-could-eat-it dooney at macy's, but for $345 - uh, no.
friday night husband & i went out with some friends from work. i was all excited that i had an actual experience to write about, and now that i'm thinking of it...i have nothing to say. it was really a simple night. we went to a wine bar...which, was pretty cool actually. its a very free-for-all place, where tables and couches & loungey areas are set up in random order, and you just kinda come in and claim an area. all through the whole place there are endless shelves of wine, an enormous beer cooler (all individual bottles), and other random coolers with safe-for-preggo's drinks, like...uh, water. you just kinda walk around til something jumps out at you (i went for the water), bring it up to the counter to pay for it, and return to your little corner. husband was making trips to the beer cooler and sampling bottles of random brews. the other guys joined him later in the night, but for the most part they'd just pick up a glass and share bottles of wine.
it was a pretty cool night. there wasn't much room for potential friendship building with G. for one, because she left within 30 minutes of us getting there...i'm not really sure why. that, and i wasn't seated anywhere near her. but, it was still a lot of fun. it was great to get out of the house for once, and cool seeing my co-workers in a different setting. conversation was never-ending, usually touching on hot topics (and thank goodness the guys all seemed to agree on things) and usually coming back to my pregnancy in some way shape or form.
the only "sticky" part, was when my co-worker's wife asked me who i was voting for. i'm pretty sure it was a total side convo, because the boys were talking (pretty intensely) about alternative energy and didn't really hear her ask me. i would have opened up had it really just been me speaking to her & no one else...however, i know her husband is very hardcore one-sided. i was afraid that if i didn't answer "correctly", he'd either suddenly hear & protest my answer, or she'd tell him later and...well, no thanks. i just don't like getting involved in politics. instead i said i was still unsure, and it seemed like a good response. she even agreed that it was a tough decision this year. however, her next sentence included something about how in 2 years she will be able to vote (both she & her husband, my co-worker, are natives of venezuela and i'm pretty sure she's only been here as long as they've been married, which is about 2 years). she said something about being proud to do her civic duty, and then i felt a little guilty that i wasn't tripping over myself with opinions.
overall though? a really great night. we even discussed future plans - including a baby shower/ football party combo, dinner out, and a day trip to the mountains (pregnant me probably having to skip the latter). but, baby certainly made me pay for being awake after 11pm.
saturday morning was the true start of chilly fall. it was glorious! we decided to celebrate the start of the chilly weather with our favorite cold morning breakfast tradition. warm drinks, asiago cheese bagels, and snuggly conversation by the fire at panera's. we did just that, with hot chocolate being the warm drink of choice. once our bellies were sufficiently full, i did a bit of maternity clothes shopping at target before heading home. most of the day was filled with naps and relaxing, but we had a date night planned. none of the actual date had been chosen, just simply that...we needed a weekend full of relaxation after our tough week. we settled on going somewhere close to target, since the D cup bra i bought earlier that day was STILL not enough to hold my preggo tatas (yes, they have ballooned THAT much) and i needed to return it.
dinner ended up being olive garden, and OH yum. i don't know why, but with a very round belly touching the table our waitress looked directly at me & tried to upsell us on "yummy fruity wine!", as she put it. i, once again, went with water. we shared 2 rounds of salad (because mmm this baby LOVES salad and you don't get much better than the OG), and decided to order something "different" than our usual. i went with the chicken carbonara - it was delish!
after dinner, we returned my bra and husband offered to buy me a new pair of fuzzy pj pants. it was completely random of him, but he said he wanted me to be comfortable. i wasn't protesting! i got a really cute grey pair with black polka dots. they are SO comfy, mmm i can't wait to get this day over with and put them on. we finished off our date with a trip to starbucks. hellooo decaf caramel macchiato. i have always been obsessed with the regular caffeinated version, but stupid me thought they were off limits until bff informed me that decaf espresso was, in fact, a real thing. oooh, heaven. husband just went with straight up coffee, and we split a slice of pumpkin loaf for dessert. we sat chatting for a while, and i noticed that every other patron was 50+. it was just strange...usually starbucks attracts such a different crowd. is that changing? and if so, purposely or not? interesting.
sunday was really...a lazy day. we did nothing. no, lies. we went to kohl's...where i found a fitting bra, and 2 more maternity shirts. husband found a really nice dress shirt & tie. then we attempted to get a new phone for moi, and had a run-in with the most SUCK salesperson i've ever met. so that was a no-go. the rest of the day, i went through all of our paperwork & filed absolutely everything. it took so long, all i had time for was dinner & dh before it was bedtime. but, at least it will be a lot easier to keep the paperwork organized from here on out.
so, speaking of organization...i should really...do work now. i have to figure out if i'm training G some more, or if she's a lost cause (in the work sense). that's, a whole other issue for another day. basically she's not really excelling here, and i'm getting stuck in the middle considering my job is one she's supposed to be learning...at the same time i'm semi-jump starting a could-be friendship. it's sticky. and too much thought for a monday.
oh purple!
purple is my faaavorite for fall & winter. i love it. just, LOVE it.
(don't mind the kitty - he always sneaks into pictures when the camera is out)last october, when the weather started getting cooler - i loved it so much i painted my bathroom purple. i prettied it up with a nicole miller damask shower curtain, white pillar candles, white shabby chic accessories, and new black & white fingertip towels. i've since added a few things, and i have just recently picked some black & white flower photos i've taken & put in black frames. they haven't made it to the wall yet, but they're waiting patiently for my motivation.
this year...i want to cover my ever-expanding body in it. i wish i could. but, i'm conserving money. i did buy a long sleeved maternity shirt in my favorite cool weather shade, but being that my belly is growing so insanely large i can classify it as a necessity.
really though? i really want a purple purse. bad. i almost dropped $17 on a purple wallet at kohl's yesterday. i still...may go back and get it, or order it online, if i'm taunted enough. but i thought, save the $17 and get a purse so i can see the purpliciousness more than just when i need to pay for something. i've been drooling this morning. which one would you splurge your monies on?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
confessions of a bitter pregnant lady.
i am seriously about to explode if people don't stop irritating me. yes, i know, the hormones and such have run me a little ragged...and the inability to breathe normally has left my brain a little deprived & frustrated. but, how much can a girl take?! if i had zero respect for people, and a little more confidence, i would love to say these things flat out....
dear mr. XXXXXL shirt open-door-door-knocker,
how do i put this nicely? you're annoying. you talk way too quiet and way too slow, and i seriously get bored waiting around for you to get to your point. SPIT IT OUT! the truth is, i could handle your slow explanations if you didn't smell like you soaked in rancid 30 year old cologne. STOP BATHING IN IT! the smell lingers for 10 minutes after you walk out, and with my super-sonic pregnancy nose, i gag until it clears out. and while you're quitting bad habits, how about walking in my office instead of knocking on my OPEN door? ps, you could probably fit in Medium clothes, what's with the shirts 4 sizes too big?
sincerely,
bitter pregnant lady
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
dear grossest hands in the entire world,
i don't know if anyone has ever told you this before, but you have the most disgusting hands on the planet. for being a slim guy, your fingers are thicker than hot dogs, and your skin feels like extra coarse sandpaper. ever hear of lotion? i wouldn't give a crap what your hands felt like if you didn't PUT THEM ON ME ALL THE TIME! it would be sweet if you just, stopped touching me. i'm getting sick of dodging corners when i see you coming just so you can't reach me. and whoever told you it was kosher to put your sandpaper hands in a random girl's head of hair? well here's some news. IT'S NOT! it's also extremely annoying when you try to copy my tone of voice, or repeat things i say often. i don't care if you think you're cute, it's freaking annoying. and when i get quiet & standoffish - that means KNOCK IT OFF! how about just, leaving me alone altogether?
sincerely,
BPL
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
dear weird skiddish guy,
you, too, take an eternity to get to the point. i freaking hate when you walk in my office - i almost want to get up and leave you standing in here alone, just so i can avoid your stupid conversations. the part that gets me, is you're almost always confused about your point, and someone else has to fix it. if you're gonna suck so badly, could you just let someone else come to me please? it would save me a lot of frustration and irritation. and you know, saying things like "so, you're busy? well, i'll only be a minute..." and then breaking into what YOU need, regardless of my current work situation - is NOT cool. pointing out that i'm busy doesn't mean it's okay to make me busier, just because you recognized i was already slammed. especially when your issue is never correct to begin with. ps, saying things like "wow you just keep growing!" is a really, really, really....stupid thing to say to a bitter pregnant lady.
sincerely,
you know who
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
dear douche bag,
i have been annoyed by you for the last year and a half, and you only continue to make it worse. you smell like a bar. your chester the molester laugh makes me sick. and you need to stop picking your nose and ears while using other people's computers. it's freaking disgusting. i'm sick of soaking everything i own in antibacterial spray after you get near it. also, popping your dentures in and out of place is really, really sick. no one wants to hear that. you also need to shave your ears, because not only are they the size of my hands, and more red than a tomato, they look like they are covered in pubes. and since we very unfortunately have to see you so often, it'd be nice not to see such horrible sights. but most of all, you starting to do your job would just be FANTASTIC. i know you've enjoyed milking a nice paycheck from the owners while doing nothing but chain smoking and spouting off computer jargon to try and confuse people while making yourself sound like you know what you're saying. but it's time to do your damn job.
sincerely,
i hate your guts. hardcore.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
dear stupidest guy to ever exist,
how do you get to be your age, and not know how to make a copy of something? it's not even like you're over the hill and beyond the technology generation (though even my grandma could make a simple copy!). you're probably only 5 - 10 years older than me. and following simple instructions like, put paper in tray, hit Go - shouldn't be so hard to follow that i have to repeat them 3 times. and even worse, that you still can't get it after 3 times and i have to physically walk my big pregnant ass to the machine and do it for you. yes, the paper DOES need to get sucked into the machine. simply placing it on top does not tell it what you need a copy of. and before bringing me what you think is your copy, look at it. is it exactly like the thing you copied? no? then guess what. it's not your copy. HELLO!
sincerely,
get a clue
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
dear every truck driver & dispatcher in the greater charlotte-piedmont region,
you people......are the most annoying, frustrating, aggravating people to deal with. DON'T just show up without an appointment, DON'T expect an appointment without giving me a PO number, and DON'T deliver crap on fridays since i've told you 147, 680 times WE ARE CLOSED ON FRIDAYS! if you don't follow the rules, you'll be pushed to the end of the line - pretty damn simple.
sincerely,
about to loose her cool receiving lady
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
dear everyone who feels the need to make comments about my pregnancy,
yes, i am pregnant. yes, that means my stomach is growing. you may say things like "oh you look cute", or "congratulations", or "how far along are you?", or "when are you due?", or "how are you feeling?". all perfectly acceptable and reasonable. however, saying anything in regards to my size - totally uncool. some examples of phrases you may want to avoid:
"wow you look like you swallowed a watermelon this weekend!"
"geez you're starting to look like the broad side of a barn"
"damn, you're getting big girl!"
" you're only 6 months?! by the time you make it to 9 months you're gonna need bed rest!"
and yes, all of these things have been said to me - along with many more. i also get physical mocking, where people will pretend to waddle in front of me (and for the record, i have not started to waddle). oh, and...everyone at work now calls me "big mama" (insert not amused face here). so make note of these examples, remember common courtesy, and take a social etiquette course if you still can't find it in you to keep the comments to yourself.
sincerely,
REALLY bitter pregnant lady.
dear mr. XXXXXL shirt open-door-door-knocker,
how do i put this nicely? you're annoying. you talk way too quiet and way too slow, and i seriously get bored waiting around for you to get to your point. SPIT IT OUT! the truth is, i could handle your slow explanations if you didn't smell like you soaked in rancid 30 year old cologne. STOP BATHING IN IT! the smell lingers for 10 minutes after you walk out, and with my super-sonic pregnancy nose, i gag until it clears out. and while you're quitting bad habits, how about walking in my office instead of knocking on my OPEN door? ps, you could probably fit in Medium clothes, what's with the shirts 4 sizes too big?
sincerely,
bitter pregnant lady
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
dear grossest hands in the entire world,
i don't know if anyone has ever told you this before, but you have the most disgusting hands on the planet. for being a slim guy, your fingers are thicker than hot dogs, and your skin feels like extra coarse sandpaper. ever hear of lotion? i wouldn't give a crap what your hands felt like if you didn't PUT THEM ON ME ALL THE TIME! it would be sweet if you just, stopped touching me. i'm getting sick of dodging corners when i see you coming just so you can't reach me. and whoever told you it was kosher to put your sandpaper hands in a random girl's head of hair? well here's some news. IT'S NOT! it's also extremely annoying when you try to copy my tone of voice, or repeat things i say often. i don't care if you think you're cute, it's freaking annoying. and when i get quiet & standoffish - that means KNOCK IT OFF! how about just, leaving me alone altogether?
sincerely,
BPL
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dear weird skiddish guy,
you, too, take an eternity to get to the point. i freaking hate when you walk in my office - i almost want to get up and leave you standing in here alone, just so i can avoid your stupid conversations. the part that gets me, is you're almost always confused about your point, and someone else has to fix it. if you're gonna suck so badly, could you just let someone else come to me please? it would save me a lot of frustration and irritation. and you know, saying things like "so, you're busy? well, i'll only be a minute..." and then breaking into what YOU need, regardless of my current work situation - is NOT cool. pointing out that i'm busy doesn't mean it's okay to make me busier, just because you recognized i was already slammed. especially when your issue is never correct to begin with. ps, saying things like "wow you just keep growing!" is a really, really, really....stupid thing to say to a bitter pregnant lady.
sincerely,
you know who
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dear douche bag,
i have been annoyed by you for the last year and a half, and you only continue to make it worse. you smell like a bar. your chester the molester laugh makes me sick. and you need to stop picking your nose and ears while using other people's computers. it's freaking disgusting. i'm sick of soaking everything i own in antibacterial spray after you get near it. also, popping your dentures in and out of place is really, really sick. no one wants to hear that. you also need to shave your ears, because not only are they the size of my hands, and more red than a tomato, they look like they are covered in pubes. and since we very unfortunately have to see you so often, it'd be nice not to see such horrible sights. but most of all, you starting to do your job would just be FANTASTIC. i know you've enjoyed milking a nice paycheck from the owners while doing nothing but chain smoking and spouting off computer jargon to try and confuse people while making yourself sound like you know what you're saying. but it's time to do your damn job.
sincerely,
i hate your guts. hardcore.
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dear stupidest guy to ever exist,
how do you get to be your age, and not know how to make a copy of something? it's not even like you're over the hill and beyond the technology generation (though even my grandma could make a simple copy!). you're probably only 5 - 10 years older than me. and following simple instructions like, put paper in tray, hit Go - shouldn't be so hard to follow that i have to repeat them 3 times. and even worse, that you still can't get it after 3 times and i have to physically walk my big pregnant ass to the machine and do it for you. yes, the paper DOES need to get sucked into the machine. simply placing it on top does not tell it what you need a copy of. and before bringing me what you think is your copy, look at it. is it exactly like the thing you copied? no? then guess what. it's not your copy. HELLO!
sincerely,
get a clue
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dear every truck driver & dispatcher in the greater charlotte-piedmont region,
you people......are the most annoying, frustrating, aggravating people to deal with. DON'T just show up without an appointment, DON'T expect an appointment without giving me a PO number, and DON'T deliver crap on fridays since i've told you 147, 680 times WE ARE CLOSED ON FRIDAYS! if you don't follow the rules, you'll be pushed to the end of the line - pretty damn simple.
sincerely,
about to loose her cool receiving lady
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dear everyone who feels the need to make comments about my pregnancy,
yes, i am pregnant. yes, that means my stomach is growing. you may say things like "oh you look cute", or "congratulations", or "how far along are you?", or "when are you due?", or "how are you feeling?". all perfectly acceptable and reasonable. however, saying anything in regards to my size - totally uncool. some examples of phrases you may want to avoid:
"wow you look like you swallowed a watermelon this weekend!"
"geez you're starting to look like the broad side of a barn"
"damn, you're getting big girl!"
" you're only 6 months?! by the time you make it to 9 months you're gonna need bed rest!"
and yes, all of these things have been said to me - along with many more. i also get physical mocking, where people will pretend to waddle in front of me (and for the record, i have not started to waddle). oh, and...everyone at work now calls me "big mama" (insert not amused face here). so make note of these examples, remember common courtesy, and take a social etiquette course if you still can't find it in you to keep the comments to yourself.
sincerely,
REALLY bitter pregnant lady.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
houston, we have a crib.
this is quite a milestone, wouldn't you say? over the past couple months i've collected lots of things - baby clothes, bibs, toys, books, bottles. not in any mass quantities, but a nice starter collection of hand-me-downs and gifts. they've all been sitting in boxes, awaiting a home in my son's will-be nursery. and no, at 6 months pregnant - one has not even been started. not because i'm procrastinating - because a little company i like to call service douche bags has control over a room in my house and will not finish up their stupid job. this may be a good time to fill you in on the mold epidemic. but first, the crib.though all the little baby nick-knacks i've collected so far will certainly help me with my growing baby, a crib is the first piece of useful "equipment", if you will. being that i needed a crib to get the nursery going, i made it my goal to acquire it before anything else. husband's sister was insisting that we find one on craigslist - that it was the "cheapest possible way", and our baby will probably only use it for 6 months - a year, so don't spend a ton, blah blah blah.
well, i humored her (and husband, since he always takes her advice to heart) and searched craigslist. the only criteria it had to have, was be white. that's it. nothing fancy. iiii found nothing. every single white crib was listed at $200 - $300. not to mention, i had to pick it up - and since my choices of moving vehicle were hybrid-whose-back-seat-doesn't-fold-down, and mazda-3-with-even-less-cabin-room, it wasn't gonna happen.
so then i found this lovely white crib at babies r us. brand new, as in no other rugrats have gnawed on the railings. as in, meeting all current safety standards. it transforms into a toddler bed, and can morph all the way into a double-sized kid's bed. and, the best part of all, it was only $160-some! even with tax & shipping included, it was only $200 - and there was no personal picking up, shipping, moving to be done on my part. so naturally, i had to have it.
so did every other pregnant mom to be. i first had to battle husband to let me order it, because he was stressed about the costs of the mold and didn't want to spend more. but as i told him, baby is coming....we need a crib, with or without mold, and $200 is going to leave one of our accounts between now and january. might as well be now in case it takes a decade to ship and we have time to get a back up. so, he scoured reviews on the crib (he researches every single purchase to death, and really, i'm not complaining - i take comfort in that he's making sure we make safe & valuable purchases). once he was satisfied - he gave me the okay. i tried to order it at work that day, the website crashed, so i decided to wait until i was home to try again. i get home, and it was out of stock.
i was shocked that it sold out so quickly. this "online only" item was suddenly saying "not available online". hmmm. so i signed up to be emailed when it was back in stock, and waited. a few days later it was in, i ordered it, received my confirmation, the end. right? no. 2 days later i received another email saying they canceled my order. i was confused as to why this happened, so i called. she told me it's their policy for when things run out of stock. ever hear of back ordering?? so she advises me to sign up for an email again, i do - and what do you know, it's back in stock at 6am the very next day. you couldn't back order it for 12 hours?! GAH! soo i ordered it again, by some miracle it shipped the next day, and yesterday....the 60 pound box arrived.
YAY! quite a hassle. and, as of the moment it's only a step in the right direction. considering even if i squatted this baby out today and had matt put the thing together, there's still no mattress or box spring. but, it is a start! and it frees up a $200 item from the massive list of things i still need on my registry.
so, the mold epidemic.
august 29th, a friday - i decided to start clearing out the closet of what would be my baby's room. i was, 4 months pregnant at the time, and decided it was high time i get started on a nursery. my house, unfortunately, has very little storage - so all of our seasonal things, wedding gifts, and the few memory-like things we allowed ourselves to keep, resides within our closets. being that goop needs use of his closet, my goal was to consolidate down to the one in the guest room. so. i got to work, and i figured one of the first things i should do is free up space in the guest room closet for the incoming junk. only....upon moving the first box, i found mold. and that was only the start of it.
i quickly left the room, washed my hands, told husband, and he came home from work immediately. we called our insurance company & some plumbers, and the chaos that has become my life for the last month and a half, began. we have had so many visits from insurance adjusters, plumbers, contractors - ugh. and they are taking their sweet time getting the room fixed. the good news is, the mold has since been removed. the bad news is, my guest room is missing important things like - carpet, and drywall. we have been waiting for WEEKS for the work to be completed, and still....it sits.
i started making nasty calls last week, using my 6 months of pregnancy as a weapon. usually that either earns me some sympathy or fear, and either one tends to at least get things moving a little. we received a call yesterday that the contractors would be coming out on thursday. only, this morning, husband was on his way to work and they called to say they were on their way to our house. um, it's tuesday?
soo, now they are coming tomorrow, apparently - but there have been many occasions where they say such things and never show. and we never heard anything about our carpet being ordered, or being ready to install anytime soon. so, really....i have no idea at all, when this room will be complete. and you may be wondering, where did the contents of this mold room go during the construction? oh yes. they are all in my baby's room. taking up so much space, it's difficult to even set foot in there. so my attempts at putting a nursery together were pushed back about 10 steps, and sits there in non-production land.
and my new, un-assembled crib, will probably sit in it's box in the dining room for another month, at which time nursery will be husband's responsibility. because, i will be a house.
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