mommyhood brainstorming, take 1.

i love that i have a son. not...in a "i'm glad he's not a daughter" way. in really cool, amazing, "holy crap i have a child" way.

it's very easy to get caught up in the chaos of pregnancy. i mean, really. in a very short span of time your body goes from yours, operating in generally the same way it always has, predictable - and then it becomes an incubator of sorts...and just sorta-kinda lets you use it from time to time. any given number of symptoms are handed over - some worse than others, intensities flipping around, new ones cropping up. you learn what it feels like to never have good skin, and always have limp hair, and always have pain in your back, and always get heartburn from your ex-favorite foods, and always be spilling out of your bra.....(i'll stop there).

and of course there's the hormones. and the inability to deal with stress. and that whole huge thing about OMGIHAVEABABY, and i need to put a nursery together, and i need money for these things. it's a fast-paced, clock is ticking, high-strung experience. one that i couldn't have even imagined/planned for/prepared for if i tried. of course, i think my situation was made extra sucky by the mold issue that refuses to go away, and all of the other lovely costly things that crept up at the same time. so yes, it is very easy to get sucked into the tornado of, wow everything suddenly blows. it's hard to outwardly show the excitement you feel for the baby, when your mind is pulled in 20 different directions. and/or, you feel like ass.

however. i think, at least in my work place, i'm a rare bird. that sort of goes without saying because out of the 5 women in the entire company, only 1 other has been pregnant & given birth during their time here. my experience has only her's to compare with. but also, her ideas about pregnancy, babies, motherhood, parenting...the works, are all so very different. (not to start a debate or to sound all yay-yay to one side about anything, but...) she very actively promotes not breastfeeding. i've heard her preach this to every pregnant woman she comes across, including me. "it's so much easier to let your husband make the formula for you", "your boobs don't get as mangled", "you don't have to worry about a kid hanging all over you all the time". interesting. then she goes on about how the day her child came home it went straight to the crib and wasn't allowed to sleep anywhere else. she needed a full night's sleep, after all! i don't....even want to get into some of the other things, because they deal with punishment, and i really just have to zip my lips and turn my head when she goes on and on about it & i couldn't disagree more (and, i don't want to go there, to each their own really). but do you see the common denominator in those examples? selfishness. not one of those things were chosen for the better of her child, but they made that whole pesky mommy thing a little easier for her.

i'm not saying you better breastfeed your kid, and co-sleep, or park a bassinet next to your bed, or anything, really. it's just hearing her reasoning....it's annoying. she didn't make her choices for her child, she made them for her. and why? well, i have my theories. because the truth is - i think she's a good mom, and i think she did really want her baby. but she has been employed here longer than i could drive a car. heck, long before my first day of high school (which was in 98). she has seen this company grow quite a bit in that time, and she cherishes it. i get that, that's great. but i had a conversation with her husband, even...who said he hates how attached she is to this place. i believe his words were, "if the place were on fire, she'd still run into the building". she made her choices based on the fact that she was coming back to work (which, by the way, she came back 3 weeks after giving birth! because, she couldn't stay away). now...whether she made them because this place is more important to her than parenthood, or because she was upset about it and preparing herself for the heartache of leaving her child with a day care, i don't know. though, really, why not stay out all 8 weeks if that's the case?

i'm really not trying to crucify her or anything. her situation doesn't bother me the way it may seem. i think, with my due date fast approaching and my baby kicking with more distinct movements, i'm just thinking about my impending motherhood. the way things will be with me and my baby, and how i feel about the situation in comparison. i could never do what she's doing. i get that some people need the money and so working & day care is their only option. but i just couldn't hand my child over to a bunch of strangers 40+ hours a week (because she is ALWAYS here, even on days off, even when she's not asked to be). i don't have even have my child yet, but i'm constantly wishing i could be at home instead so i can pull up my shirt and watch my belly move around with the movement of his limbs. i wish i could just lay there and talk to him and poke at him while he squirms. we do this all the time, and i am thankful for the time i have - but i would just love to do it all day long. bond with my baby, prepare for his arrival....soak up the magnitude of the miracle he is. and that's the thing about working through pregnancy (which, i realize just about everyone does). not only do you have to suffer through the suck...like 11 weeks of nausea, and never ending exhaustion while trying to do your work correctly. but you don't get the time to soak up every last drop of growing your baby. i wish life was a little easier to juggle in that way. i don't want to quit my job and do nothing for the sake of being a bum. i want to kick back and soak up the very few miracles we are given in our lifetimes. and that's where i think my co-worker and i differ. this job is not simply an income for her - it IS her life. whereas mine, is currently growing in my uterus and i'm just waiting this job out until he makes his appearance.

even with all that being said, i still have insecurities. everyone in my life has done so much more with their lives (at least, hmm, 75% of them anyway) in terms of education and careers. i have done nothing. and though my heart is totally okay with this, sometimes my mind is not. i know exactly why things turned out this way. because i wanted them to. because all i wanted was babies - my babies. i couldn't settle on a profession that would give me the freedom i wanted in order to give my all to being a mom. so i didn't do anything. not even as a filler until i reached mommyhood. it just felt like a waste of time.

i think, that idea really just agitates me for now....and possibly will for the next 3 months, but will disappear in an instant. because i know, my time is coming. my time to shine is just around the corner, and my purpose for this life is about to unfold. but working 40 hours, doing things that don't make a difference, surrounded by people who barely share a shred of the same ideals as i have - is hard to do. it makes me wish that i had done something in the past so i could at least fill these next 3 months in limbo with something i care about.

for now, i take every moment i can to watch my belly poke out & jiggle with my son's movements. i talk to him every chance i get. i set my hand on my belly and laugh when he kicks it. i daydream about holding him in my arms, and seeing his smile, and hearing his laugh. and really...i just couldn't be happier about having a son.