confessions of a bitter pregnant lady.

i am seriously about to explode if people don't stop irritating me. yes, i know, the hormones and such have run me a little ragged...and the inability to breathe normally has left my brain a little deprived & frustrated. but, how much can a girl take?! if i had zero respect for people, and a little more confidence, i would love to say these things flat out....


dear mr. XXXXXL shirt open-door-door-knocker,

how do i put this nicely? you're annoying. you talk way too quiet and way too slow, and i seriously get bored waiting around for you to get to your point. SPIT IT OUT! the truth is, i could handle your slow explanations if you didn't smell like you soaked in rancid 30 year old cologne. STOP BATHING IN IT! the smell lingers for 10 minutes after you walk out, and with my super-sonic pregnancy nose, i gag until it clears out. and while you're quitting bad habits, how about walking in my office instead of knocking on my OPEN door? ps, you could probably fit in Medium clothes, what's with the shirts 4 sizes too big?

sincerely,
bitter pregnant lady

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dear grossest hands in the entire world,

i don't know if anyone has ever told you this before, but you have the most disgusting hands on the planet. for being a slim guy, your fingers are thicker than hot dogs, and your skin feels like extra coarse sandpaper. ever hear of lotion? i wouldn't give a crap what your hands felt like if you didn't PUT THEM ON ME ALL THE TIME! it would be sweet if you just, stopped touching me. i'm getting sick of dodging corners when i see you coming just so you can't reach me. and whoever told you it was kosher to put your sandpaper hands in a random girl's head of hair? well here's some news. IT'S NOT! it's also extremely annoying when you try to copy my tone of voice, or repeat things i say often. i don't care if you think you're cute, it's freaking annoying. and when i get quiet & standoffish - that means KNOCK IT OFF! how about just, leaving me alone altogether?

sincerely,
BPL

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dear weird skiddish guy,

you, too, take an eternity to get to the point. i freaking hate when you walk in my office - i almost want to get up and leave you standing in here alone, just so i can avoid your stupid conversations. the part that gets me, is you're almost always confused about your point, and someone else has to fix it. if you're gonna suck so badly, could you just let someone else come to me please? it would save me a lot of frustration and irritation. and you know, saying things like "so, you're busy? well, i'll only be a minute..." and then breaking into what YOU need, regardless of my current work situation - is NOT cool. pointing out that i'm busy doesn't mean it's okay to make me busier, just because you recognized i was already slammed. especially when your issue is never correct to begin with. ps, saying things like "wow you just keep growing!" is a really, really, really....stupid thing to say to a bitter pregnant lady.

sincerely,
you know who

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dear douche bag,

i have been annoyed by you for the last year and a half, and you only continue to make it worse. you smell like a bar. your chester the molester laugh makes me sick. and you need to stop picking your nose and ears while using other people's computers. it's freaking disgusting. i'm sick of soaking everything i own in antibacterial spray after you get near it. also, popping your dentures in and out of place is really, really sick. no one wants to hear that. you also need to shave your ears, because not only are they the size of my hands, and more red than a tomato, they look like they are covered in pubes. and since we very unfortunately have to see you so often, it'd be nice not to see such horrible sights. but most of all, you starting to do your job would just be FANTASTIC. i know you've enjoyed milking a nice paycheck from the owners while doing nothing but chain smoking and spouting off computer jargon to try and confuse people while making yourself sound like you know what you're saying. but it's time to do your damn job.

sincerely,
i hate your guts. hardcore.

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dear stupidest guy to ever exist,

how do you get to be your age, and not know how to make a copy of something? it's not even like you're over the hill and beyond the technology generation (though even my grandma could make a simple copy!). you're probably only 5 - 10 years older than me. and following simple instructions like, put paper in tray, hit Go - shouldn't be so hard to follow that i have to repeat them 3 times. and even worse, that you still can't get it after 3 times and i have to physically walk my big pregnant ass to the machine and do it for you. yes, the paper DOES need to get sucked into the machine. simply placing it on top does not tell it what you need a copy of. and before bringing me what you think is your copy, look at it. is it exactly like the thing you copied? no? then guess what. it's not your copy. HELLO!

sincerely,
get a clue

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dear every truck driver & dispatcher in the greater charlotte-piedmont region,

you people......are the most annoying, frustrating, aggravating people to deal with. DON'T just show up without an appointment, DON'T expect an appointment without giving me a PO number, and DON'T deliver crap on fridays since i've told you 147, 680 times WE ARE CLOSED ON FRIDAYS! if you don't follow the rules, you'll be pushed to the end of the line - pretty damn simple.

sincerely,
about to loose her cool receiving lady

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dear everyone who feels the need to make comments about my pregnancy,

yes, i am pregnant. yes, that means my stomach is growing. you may say things like "oh you look cute", or "congratulations", or "how far along are you?", or "when are you due?", or "how are you feeling?". all perfectly acceptable and reasonable. however, saying anything in regards to my size - totally uncool. some examples of phrases you may want to avoid:

"wow you look like you swallowed a watermelon this weekend!"
"geez you're starting to look like the broad side of a barn"
"damn, you're getting big girl!"
" you're only 6 months?! by the time you make it to 9 months you're gonna need bed rest!"

and yes, all of these things have been said to me - along with many more. i also get physical mocking, where people will pretend to waddle in front of me (and for the record, i have not started to waddle). oh, and...everyone at work now calls me "big mama" (insert not amused face here). so make note of these examples, remember common courtesy, and take a social etiquette course if you still can't find it in you to keep the comments to yourself.

sincerely,
REALLY bitter pregnant lady.